The Problems With Soap
by Lexiroth
Summary: Dorothy Cataliona explains the horrible mishabs that writers like to call "Gundam Wing pairings." **Shounen-ai, Shojo-ai, Het -- fun for all!**


Author's Notes: HET, SHOUNEN-AI, MENTIONS OF SHOUJO-AI, FUN FOR THE ENTIRE FAMILY ****

Author's Notes: HET, SHOUNEN-AI, MENTIONS OF SHOUJO-AI, FUN FOR THE ENTIRE FAMILY! The stories original intention (keyword original) was to be completely awful -- but it didn't turn out that way. So, go ahead and hate me for this. Man, I love myself sometimes. Just to let you know – I bash EVERY CHARACTER. And every pairing, for that matter.

****

Fully italicized text is mostly Dorothy (or the television) speaking.

Created: I forgot when.

Modified: 9/26/01.

****

THE PROBLEMS WITH SOAP  
(because no matter what you thought beforehand, you were wrong. very wrong). 

  
BY: ANG(ELA)

  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~   
  
THIS PROGRAM IS INTENDED FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY. PARENTAL SUPERVISION IS RECOMMENDED. ALL CELEBRITIES MENTIONED HAVE NOT BEEN INFORMED ABOUT THIS PARTICULAR REVIEW AND IN NO WAY ARE MEANT TO HARM THEIR PERSONAL LIFE. LANGUAGE IS SOMEWHAT EXCESSIVE, AND SEXUAL SITUATIONS ARE REFERED TO. PLEASE WATCH WITH AN OPEN MIND AND AN OPEN HEART -- AND PLEASE, DEAR GOD, DON'T SUE US.   
  
..ANYWAY, IT'S JUST PLAY!   


__

"It's all quite simple really, if you look at it in a very one-sided point of view. Ah, how confusing this series could turn out to be! The mind twists and turns the concepts of Gundam Wing very well, wouldn't you say so? Of course, of course it does. How very obedient of the mind to do such a thing -- twisting the easiest subjects into things that can turn out to be very, very complicated and confusing." 

Like any other deceiving television special that was shown on television, a few quick flashes of pictures with microscopic captions appeared on the screen. And since there was no such button on the remote that said "MAGNIFY," nobody ever bothered to read them, anyway. Anyhow, there were the pictures.

  
Of Heero and Relena.

Heero and Duo. 

Trowa and Quatre.

Quatre and the Bananas in Pajamas crew. 

Wu Fei and .. well, there must have been some glare on the screen, because the other person's face was covered by a white ball. But nevertheless, it was clearly visible that the person (whoever it may be) was wearing white pants. That didn't really reveal anything, since most everyone has worn a pair of **white pants** in his or her life.   
  
_"But it is in our nature, isn't it? To constantly mess with the simplest things and try to comprehend them -- to let our imaginations run free? Or is it just that the subject matter was so vague from the beginning? Yes, yes, all of those are somehow the correct answer, but they are all incorrect in their respective ways."_

There was a brief pause before the woman's face was finally visible to the audience. Her pointy eyebrows raised slightly when the spotlight finally shone on her face. She was obviously waiting her entrance -- to more or less likely over-dramatize the situation -- and thus left the viewers staring at a very genial smile. Or at least, something that closely resembled a smile.

__

"Hello. My name is Dorothy Catalonia, and this is the second part of sixty minutes: The Gundam Wing Pairing Special brought to you by the Winner Corporation's generous contributions. If you missed the first half, we discussed the relations between Heero Yuy and code name Heero Yuy -- in which there were none. Ha, ha ha. Hold on, that's not funny. Uh.."   
  
At this exact moment, Quatre Winner quickly snatched the remote from his braided friend's hand, crying as he tried to change the channel. The very sight of that woman made his stomach knot up, and he could not bare to look at that.. that _thing_ anymore. He often wondered why he contributed to such a program, but could never recollect when he signed the papers.   
  
_Oh no!_ He cursed himself through his thoughts, _Don't tell me that I mistook those papers for the papers about banning fan fiction containing anything that closely resembles a "spin the bottle" or "truth or dare!"_

As for the desperate act to change the channel, Quatre was failing, miserably, considering he wasn't pressing the correct button. This grabbed the attention of the other members of the audience -- namely Chang Wu Fei, Trowa Barton and Heero Yuy. Little did Quatre know the only thing that he was doing was raising the volume louder so that Dorothy Catalonia's voice filled the entire room.

__

"Quatre, calm down."

"No way! My God, Trowa~a, she's insane!" he cried, frantically pressing the remote control's buttons with what little force he had. "Aaaauuuggggghhhh, why isn't it changing?" 

Wu Fei grabbed the bowl of popcorn from Heero's lap, and started devouring every last morsel. Heero snorted, carefully watching the bowl of popcorn as it left his erhm, embrace. But he bothered to do nothing about it, as he was deeply submersed into what the young Catalonia woman was discussing.   
  
_"Gundam Wing fan fiction is a very .. what's the word, a very interesting subject. Yes, interesting suits it very well. The heartwarming story of a boy and his Gundam.."_ [1] 

"**Aaaaauuuuuugggghhhh!!"** Quatre cried out as he continued to press the volume button until the point where the volume was at its maximum level, and where the further pressing of the volume button did absolutely no good. "She's on every channel!" 

"Quatre, you're pressing the wrong button." Trowa responded in a soft soft voice while placing his hand on the boy's shoulder in a soft soft way.

"Ohh. Thanks, Trowa."

Clickdy click.

"I love you.. you love me, we're a happy family.." [2]

"Change it back, Quatre."

"....."   
  
Click.   
  
_"But Gundam Wing is commonly associated with Shounen-ai, and of course Yaoi. But what are the meanings of the two? Ahh, surely you can figure out what Shounen-ai means. But Yaoi is commonly misused. It would literally translate to pointless se..." _

"Trowa, what does 'yaoi' mean?" Quatre piped up. 

"Shut up, Quatre." growled a much deeper voice (which in this case was Heero) when Trowa had failed to respond to the sudden question. Quatre's hopes slowly sank as he leaned back into the couch. Little did he know that Trowa had already thanked Heero silently, and had already gone back to watching a boy who wore pastel colored shirts and drank tea. But then again, a lot of boys do that, so it was impossible to tell whom exactly Trowa was staring at.

__

"--That will basically explain the meanings of the plus and times signs—not the mathematical meanings, because I failed math. Anyhow, Now, why would such a word like YAOI follow in a wonderful show's shadow? Is it because of it's five gorgeous stars, or perhaps it is a much deeper element? We are here tonight to discuss this commonly disputed issue. We shall first start off with 01 -- pilot of Wing Zero: Heero Yuy."

"Maxwell, you put too much salt in this vile snack food!" Wu Fei continued to devour the popcorn, literally scaring away any stray hands that had tried to grab some of it. 

"Chill out, Wuffers, it will only go straight to your hips." 

Heero then glared at Duo, and then quickly silenced everyone with a growl that growled.

__

h yes, Heero Yuy. Now who would this soldier be commonly associated with? This cold, emotionless soldier.." Dorothy then shifted in her chair, slightly turning to her left. An image then appeared in the background, blocking out some of the key elements to the pictures. The pictures, of course, were mainly of Relena Peacecraft of the Cinq kingdom, and Duo Maxwell of L2. Occasionally there would be a small picture of Trowa Barton, but Dorothy quickly pointed out the reasoning behind that pairing -- which were completely reasonable but at the same time incredibly stupid.   
  
_"Remember," she whispered, "1x3 and 3x1? That's all in your head."_   
  
Trowa, who now sat in complete silence with his arms crossed on his chest and a frown covering his mouth, simply stared at the TV in awe. Quatre would occasionally glance in his direction, forcing a smile onto his lips in an attempt to support him. And if you looked really really closely, anyone could tell that Trowa was smiling back. But thanks to some special effects and lighting tricks, nobody bothered to notice. How completely American!   
  
_"Now, the elements behind the 1xR pairings are completely reasonable. Relena always chasing after Heero, Heero not being able to kill her like he always says he will.. it's all there. Heero -- ever so obedient. His innocence is priceless -- is it not?"_

Duo stared at the television set, not uttering a word. Instead, his hand moved to the unprotected popcorn bowl, and quickly snatched it away from Wu Fei despite the rather loud protests that were quickly silenced -- again -- by Heero

. 

__

"..Not being able to kill Relena because she is the soul thing that would bring peace to the Colonies and Earth. Such the good soldier -- remaining completely focused on the mission. He is able to hide his emotions very well, isn't he? Of course, of course he is. He is the Perfect Soldier after all." Dorothy chuckled as she then narrowed her eyes. 

__

"Ah yes," she went on to continue, "but it is only of the imagination, as is everything else. Relena symbolizes what is still good about the earth; that is the soul thing that Heero Yuy wishes to protect. However.. there is no solid proof to this pairing. It would be etched in stone if it was not for the other contributing force to Heero's everlasting peril.." 

Silence.   
  
_"-- pilot of Deathscythe: Duo Maxwell."_

Heero's eyebrow then raised at the mentioning of his partner's name, and when he turned to look at him he was nowhere to be found. Duo had now crawled up to the TV and practically sat in front of it -- except for the fact that both Trowa and Quatre had already pulled him back whereas they were now interested, too.

"Look guys, I'm on TV!" Duo beamed, throwing his hands up into the air. 

"Shut up, Duo! I can't hear!" was the snarled reply from Heero. 

"Aww, what is it Heero, are you so interested in the two of us as a couple?" 

"Duo, I think you should stop teasing Heero.." 

"I understand perfectly. You know guys, Hilde and I always considered each other as brother and sister.. which is completely reasonable, considering the--"   
  
"SHUT UP, DUO!" Everyone (sans Duo, of course) screamed in chorus.

  
_"What wonderful elements! As they say, opposites attract. Duo Maxwell being a talkative blabbermouth -- although we must remember that he is an American, and talking is something Americans love to do even if it's about nothing important at all.."_

"I'm not a talkative blabber mouth!" 

"--and Heero Yuy, the emotionless soldier." 

"...."   
  
"Heh heh, she nailed your personality down pretty good, didn't she, Heero?" 

  
"Shut up." 

"Right."   
  
_"There is no cold hard evidence that the two were meant to be together, but again there are subtle hints. Duo thinking about Heero, Heero mentioning that Duo is one of the two people that annoy him.. they even compliment each other sarcastically!" Dorothy then clasped her hands together, and smiled. "How very like the two! It's beautiful, really."_

"Did I miss anything, Heero?" a high-pitched voice squeaked from behind the pilot of unit one. It just so happened to be Relena Peacecraft with another bowl of popcorn.   
  
Wu Fei eyed the bowl very cautiously. 

"As a matter of fact, you did!" Duo chirped, his lips curving upward. "You just missed how Dorothy said I was **perfect** for Heero!" He then stuck his tongue out at the girl, scrambled up to where Heero was sitting and wrapped his arms playfully around his neck. "Right, Heero?" he teased.   
  
_"There are so many more people that the pilot of unit one could be paired up with.. perhaps innocent little Quatre Rabera Winner, or Millard Peacecraft? No, no, why would anyone want to pair Heero up with dear Millard Peacecraft? How incredibly horrid! It just doesn't make any sense! That's like putting ketchup on rice!" _

Duo buried his head in Heero's shoulder. 

__

"..Ah, but that is the thrill of writing, is it not?" 

"Well, ha! Heero knows that I'm the only GIRL for him!" Relena exclaimed, taking a seat on the other side of Heero. That would make Heero in the middle of Relena and Duo, Quatre to the left of Duo -- or was it right? Yes, Quatre was to the right of Duo and Trowa was sitting on Wu Fei's left side. That would mean the full bowl of popcorn was on the other side of the couch near Wu Fei, and the empty bowl was near Relena. Wait a second, switch that around. The empty bowl was near Wu Fei! 

"You bitch!" 

"Takes one to know one, huh?" 

"You stupid blonde, I'm a **guy**!" 

"Hey!" Quatre cried out. 

"Could have fooled me, Duoina Maxwell!" 

Duo and Relena quickly entered a heated argument over Heero's sexual orientation, and whether or not Xelloss actually cared for Zelgadis. Neither of the two realized that Heero's face was now a very bright red, and he was now desperately searching for his gun. 

__

"With Duo Maxwell, there is his female counter part Hilde. They do end up living together during the series, and it seems that the two do care about each other deeply. But considering how the Japanese feel on the subject of living together before marriage, a brother and sister relationship suits them well, doesn't it? Oh well, it's still incredibly cute."

"...."   
  
Quatre smiled shyly at Trowa. "You're absoutlely right, Trowa! This is turning into a zany excuse for a Shoujo cartoon!"

Trowa nodded in response.

__

"He is occasionally paired off with his best friend Quatre Winner, pilot zero-four of Sandrock (where he supposedly spends the entire fic raping Duo senseless,) and can you believe that he is also paired with the notorious Chang Wu Fei?"

Of course Wu Fei was too submersed in edging *quietly* over to the stray bowl of popcorny goodness, so he failed to notice the Catalonia woman mention his name and Duo's in the same sentence. How incredibly injust!

  
_"At this time we must take a commercial break so that we can sell you some stuff you really don't need at all! Oh, what is that?"_ Dorothy put a hand up to her ear, raised a brow, and started to laugh nervously._ "It looks like I wasn't supposed to say that. Anyhow, we will be back."_   
  
_".... and CUT!"_

"Oh man, I'm hungry!" Dorothy said, leaning back in her plastic lawn chair. "God damn that Quatre, someone needs to remind me why I work for him and that lazy ass more-than-friend of his Tr.."

  
"Dorothy." A nervous-sounding voice cut in. 

"What is it now, Otto?" 

"Technical error.. it didn't cut."

"...."   
  
"...."   
  
"ROLL THE FUCKING COMMERCIAL THEN, OTTO!"

".....M'kay." 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~   
  
And for five grueling minutes (plus or minus a few seconds) the same exact add was shown across the screen.   
  
**"FOR A GOOD TIME, CALL DOROTHY CATALONIA! 1-800-555-3412.*"**

  


Wu Fei held a magnifying class up to the television in order to see the microscopic text that appeared at the bottom of the screen. And he saw..

  
*First three minutes of every call is FREE!

**Please note that you may be put on hold for three minutes and then your individual or group session will start. It is $1.99 for the first three minutes and $3.99 for every additional minute. All gender types are welcome. Please realize that this is a service for people 18 and over and is for entertainment only.*  
*** Fully endorsed by the Winner company. Well, at least they don't know. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ 

  
  
"I'm telling you, he likes me." 

"Yeah, when the fat lady sings." 

"Well, What do you know, Relena! I'm looking right at her!" 

"This isn't right! Heero belongs to me!" 

****

And Heero said, "Get the hell away from me, Relena!"

"Oh, yeah, you bet he does, Relena."

Pause.   


"Yeah. He does, doesn't he? His hatred is the sign that he's madly in love with me."

Duo gritted his teeth. "For the last time, he likes me better you inconsiderate prick!"

"Ha! Well then watch this, deathboy!" 

Relena then leaned toward Heero, more or less likely intending to plant a kiss on his cheek. She was actually going to succeed without hesitation from Heero when Heero's laptop beeped from across the room. Heero then shoved Relena off of him and quickly darted off to answer the e-mail, with slight screams of "Mission accepted! Mission accepted!" filling the background.   
  
In the mean time, Dorothy Catalonia sat cross-legged in her oversized chair focusing her attention on something that suspiciously looked like a pornography magazine. It was at that time the cameraman decided to focus on the sweat trickling down her red face and zoom in on the actual contents of the magazine. Dorothy then realized what was happening, jerked her head upward and forced a smile onto her face. _"It's rolling, isn't it," was her response._

__

"Miss Dorothy," a muffled voice said, "We have been live for the last two minutes!"

"..Wonderful, Otto, wonderful."

"...."   
  
"That means you're fired, you idiot!" 

"...."   
  
"....?"   
  
"......Oh. M'kay." 

"Humph! Well, welcome back to the Gundam Pairings special on WinnerBC. We're first going to explain what origin the pilot of Heavyarms, Trowa Barton, actually is. Meaning race, heritage, or what god damn country the boy actually is from! Well, he's actually from--" 

Duo pointed a lone finger at Relena and started cackling maniacally, blocking out the voices of the television (Dorothy currently explaining the relations between Trowa Barton and Catherine Bloom, in which there were none! Romantically, anyhow. That would just be incest). 

Relena then clenched her fist and was about to sucker punch Duo when a loud scream silenced everyone. 

"Be quiet you guys!" Quatre screamed at the top of his lungs, "This part is important!"   
  
"Oh yeah, Quat," Duo teased, ""I forgot that you reaally like Tr--"

"Duo.. really, why don't you do something useful, like shut up!" Quatre shot back, slightly narrowing his eyes. Actually, it would be best to say that a couple shots of lightning struck the ground in the background, and that if there was in fact light in the first place, there was none now.

  
Duo opened his mouth to reply, but was silenced again by a sharp glare from his blonde friend. He then decided that the television program was now completely and utterly dumb, and that he'd rather annoy Heero with what little time he had left alone with him. "Alone" theoretically meaning before Relena decided to notice he had silently slipped away from the group -- and pretty damn well, too. 

__

"--Now before we go on to the so-called implied facts, there is one more, shall we say 'protagonist' in Trowa Barton's life. This would be a lone girl named Midii-Une."

Silence.   
  
"Trowa?" the voice said quietly. 

A voice finally spoke up. It could be determined that the voice was three seats away from Relena, a yard from Wu Fei and the popcorn bowl, three to five yards from Heero and Duo, and three thousand, six-hundred and eighty-two feet from the nearest gas station. And that curious voice belonged to a person none other than little Quatre Winner. Gee, who would have thought?

"Quatre, I.." 

The television was obviously of no importance to the two. Their voices each were soft, tranquil -- blending together perfectly even though stressed with sorrow. No, not sorrow -- remorse, anger, hatred - oh, hell, they were both pretty much ticked off. 

Relena had started to sniffle, letting her hand move around the popcorn bowl. However, her sniffles were silenced by an arch of her brow, after she had realized that there was none left! 

"This isn't right.." She said, leaning over the edge of the couch. She desperately searched for the remains of the popcorn bowl, completely unaware that the person to the right of Trowa, two seats away from Quatre, and three seats away from herself (counting herself, too), had taken the popcorn bowl into captivity. "There should be enough popcorn for everyone! **Including me!**" 

Wu Fei snickered -- not only at how stupid Relena was, but how well a movie of this sort would sell amongst the regular public. After all, they are just weaklings looking for a cheep thrill. Another snicker followed, and he munched on some more of the popcorn he had "borrowed."

  
"Trowa.."   
  
And Trowa said, "Quatre."

It was the change of tone in Trowa's voice that suddenly grabbed the attention of the stray Heero and Duo. Heero casually leaned against a wall with his arms folded, watching the scene very carefully. Duo, however, was hovering behind Heero smiling like an idiot. He rested his chin on Heero's shoulder, letting his arms dangle freely (among other things), and proceeded to watch the scene much like Heero.

  
Each boy stood about ten feet away from the laptop, which at the moment had some very interesting details drawn on it. The laptop now had a pair of horns, a long beard, a pointy tail and a rather interesting set of eyebrows (clearly an attempt to mock Dorothy's) drawn on the screen in permanent ink. [3] Dr. J continued yelling at the two boys, completely unaware of the fact that he now looked worse than he did beforehand.

  
Trowa decided that it was the perfect time to say something rather unexpected. Well, he then remembered that he really never said anything at all, so if he did say something, it would already be considered unexpected since he never said anything to anyone other than his sister and Quatre. 

Anyhow, he did say something in the long run. 

"Am I supposed to know her?" 

Wu Fei sighed. There would be no corny movie that would rack in billions of dollars and no expensive limousine with a bathtub in the back -- he would just be regular Wu Fei. Then he remembered that he was already better than everyone else, and continued devouring the remains of the popcorn.

  
As for everyone sans Wu Fei and Trowa they were, well, shocked. 

"I'm serious, am I?" 

Silence was becoming a little too common as the group of friends (five friends plus one unwanted guest, that is) watched the television program. Twenty-five. Thirty. Thirty-five. Forty. Forty-five, fifty. Yes, after a brief moment's pause, someone decided to start giggling. Then that person dissolved into hysterical laughter.

"Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! He doesn't even know who the girl is!" Duo poured his heart and soul into that laugh, barely managing to get the words out without sounding like a complete idiot. He continued to laugh, and laugh, and laugh, occasionally wiping tears from his eyes. "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! That's just so damned funny! Ain't it, Heero? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"   
  
Quatre, on the other hand, was not laughing. Quatre looked at the more-or-less-likely older man in astonishment, with a sense of longing and jealousy in his eyes. His mouth was left wide open, and his hands had a firm grip on the couch beneath him. Quatre tried to say something but was interrupted by Trowa -- he had quickly placed his hand under Quatre's jaw, and shut it. Trowa started saying something to Quatre, but of course their dialogue was blocked out by the sound of the television. But Heero did notice something important: Trowa was smiling. Wait a second, no, no he wasn't. 

__

"..And last but not least, Trowa is mainly paired up with someone who wears a vest and khaki slacks." 

"Hn," Heero said while walking back to his seat, "We seemed to have missed who was the other person Trowa could have been paired with." When he finally reached the couch he was greeted with the view of Relena's.. well, anyhow, he did reach the couch. However, in order for him to enjoy himself for the rest of the program, he would need to get rid of one Relena Peacecraft. Heero shrugged it off and took his new seat at the very end of the couch.

"Oh, it's okay, Heero-buddy." Duo replied while mimicking his friend in action (and probably thought as well). Duo was greeted with the sight of Relena's... well, that too, and instead of simply shrugging it off, he shoved **Relena** off. Off of the couch, that is. And after a moment Duo followed Heero he took his seat (which was to his right, and that would make Quatre on his left) on the couch. He continued to watch the program with a newly restored positive attitude. Whatever made that happen, the world may never know. Duo decided to block out Relena's shrieks by trying to continue his conversation with Heero.

"At least we know that person wears, or has worn a **vest and khaki slacks** in his or her life."

Pause.

"Not like I care." He then added.

Relena, who had now greeted the ground face-first had started to mumble something about a pair of scissors and super glue. Before she would do anything drastic, she decided that it would be in her best interest to consult the Prince of the Stars, [4] the Perfect Soldier, the most godly-like person on the face of the earth: Heero Yuy! But it seemed like every time she tried to talk to him, one Duo Maxwell interrupted her. 

"Hn." 

"Heero, don't you think that was unfa--" 

"Hey, Heero? Where did 'Hn' come from?" 

"--Don't you care about my well being, Heero--" 

"I'm not completely sure myself. I just seem to constantly say that phrase." 

Relena then opened her mouth to try and get a word in, but it seemed that Duo would not let her say anything. 

"Oh." Duo said, leaning in a little closer to Heero -- but not enough so that the other boy would notice. 

So, Relena decided that she would pursue the boy no more, and that she would rather stay on the floor instead. 

__

"Two more pilots. Two more pilots. We will now explore the possible people that mister Quatre Winner. Of course everyone knows that he is commonly, if not always paired up with one T--" 

As if Fate demanded it, Heero started to cough uncontrollably. 

"Heero, you okay man?" Duo asked, sounding a little concerned for his friend. 

"Yeah (cough). I'm fine (cough)." 

__

"..well wasn't that obvious. But do you know who they pair him up with other than T--" 

Cough.   
  
_"Well I'll tell you! They pair him up with ME! ME! Dorothy Catalonia! They pair Quatre Winner up with ME! Now how disgusting is that?! Do you know how bad 'Dorothy Winner' sounds? Very bad!"_

"Oh, God, I think I'm going to be sick.." Quatre said, swaying back and forth slightly. 

__

"I want a strong man! A strong man! You hear me? Someone like Millard Peacecraft! Jesus, even Heero would do! Not some prissy pink-boy who's obviously dying to give T--" 

Cough. Cough. Cough. 

"Heero, seriously. I think you should take some medicine." 

__

"--head."   
  
"(cough) Hell no. (cough) I'll be fine, Duo! (Cough, hack)."

"Sure, whatever buddy." Duo said while leaning back into his seat, placing his hands behind his head. "Just don't get me sick."

Relena's head suddenly popped up next to Heero. She opened her mouth to say something but couldn't due to the fact that Duo had turned his body slightly to the left, and rested his feet on the edge of the couch -- right over Heero's.. and smack into Relena's face. Relena, however, did get a chance to see that she no longer needed to search for the kidnapped popcorn bowl. Of all the people in the world!

__

"I'd rather be a lesbian, since most people like to pair me up with Relena Peaceraft. Even though she is an obsessive-compulsive who chases Heero, and is a damsel in distress -- hell, at least she isn't Quatre!" 

"I'm prissy? I'm prissy? Why, Miss Dorothy, that's not a polite thing to say!" Quatre hissed back at the television.

__

"I'd rather have someone ax-murder me than be paired up with him! I mean, sure, friends is fine, but oh God, gag me with a shovel! Boyfriend?!"

A man called J who had managed to keep the phone line connected decided to take advantage of this situation by using his most useful weapon other than the portable laboratory, and the super American-action toy of doom. No, Dr. Jay used the best of the best, the creme of the creme, or something like that. He used.. the ZERO REMOTE! Yes, Dr. Jay merely pushed the button that was labeled "4" on the remote, sending a highly advanced radio wave into Quatre's brain, tampering with his nervous system and causing him theoretically go insane.

__

"Do you know what I have to say? Well, fuck you, Quatre Winner!" Dorothy then pulled down one of her eyelids, and stuck out her tongue.

  
"Oh, trust me Dorothy, I'm searching for one!" Quatre cackled maniacally, bent over and started to frantically search for something useful that Duo might have shoved under the couch. Luckily he didn't charge the television set, causing other people to be involved when Quatre wasn't all there in the head. "I'll get you my pretty.. and you're little dog, too!"

"Did he just say what I think he said?" Duo asked Trowa, figuring that he would be the only one to know the precise answer.

Trowa simply just nodded and continued to enjoy the view. 

__

"If I talk about HIM anymore, I think I'm going to be sick. We have one more pilot.. ONE MORE PILOT, and this special will sadly be over. But do not fear, another special will appear involving everyone not mentioned in this program! It will be on at 9 PM Eastern Time here on WinnerBC, the date is still being determined!" Dorothy winked, and then continued. _"Anyway, one more pilot. Chang Wu Fei."_

"Oh Wuuu Feeeiii~!" sang a voice from directly behind Wu Fei. Wu Fei jerked his head to the side only to be greeted by Relena, who was staring at the bowl of popcorn. Wu Fei protected the bowl by hugging it to his chest, and slightly leaning over it. 

__

"Wu Fei is incredibly popular -- since there are numerous people that he is paired up with, male and female. We will start with the females. He was married once, to Merian. She's dead now, so she really doesn't count. All right, moving on."

"What is it, woman." he mumbled. 

"I have good news and bad news for you!" 

__

"Relena Peacecraft. I do not know how. It started up as a challenge on the GWML, I think, and it has become very popular since Heero is paired up with Duo, and Trowa is paired up with--" 

Cough. Cough. Cough.

"Heero my man, seriously!" 

"(cough) Omae o Kos(cough)ru." 

"Never mind, you're fine." 

"Humph. Speak up." Wu Fei hissed. 

"I hate your rotten guts and.. and.." she then lifted her eyes to glance at the television, and quickly sputtered out a few more sentences. "I can't believe I'm paired up with a chauvinistic pig like you, you weakling! I hope you die, and I'm just letting you know that I'm taking MY bowl of popcorn out of your custody!"

"Ha! Like a weakling such as yourself could carry out something like that!"   
  
"Put 'em up, you sexist!" 

Wu Fei stood up (leaving the popcorn bowl vulnerable to any vultures) and proceeded to walk toward Relena. Relena was now having a panic attack -- sweat dripping down her face. She didn't really expect Wu Fei to actually accept her challenge, and she was not pr--

"I don't hurt women or children, especially people who are weaker than me." 

Thank God, I'm saved! She thought. "Why Wu Fei, you're such a pacifist! Come with me into the kitchen, and we'll talk about how fun it is to be rich and snobby!" Relena took his hand and literally dragged him into the room Heero and Duo once occupied.

"Finally," Duo said, eyeing the bowl of popcorn. "I was getting hungry.."

  
_"..Sally Po would be a more reasonable woman Wu Fei would be paired with. They are exactly the same, even though it's--"_

"As was I." Heero eyed Duo, hopefully long enough so that the double meaning behind those words sunk into his brain.

__

"—kinda weird that they pair him up with Millard, though. 5x6 is kinda sick, but 13x5x6 is really quick—"

Quatre laughing rather evilly. "Excuse you, Duo, but it's MY bowl of popcorn." He said while returning from his trip under the couch. When he finally sat upward, he seemed to be gripping a pair of scissors rather firmly.

  
**"No fucking way!"**

Heero wasn't too happy. 

  
**"No no no no no! Heero yes, Quatre NO!"**

  
Heero was happy. 

  
Quatre lunged at Duo, trying to cut away at Duo's long locks. 

  
Trowa attempted to stop Quatre from actually going through with it, but in the process had a small chunk of his own hair cut off. Instead of going ballistic, he shoved Duo into the television (causing the last few minutes of the program to cease to exist in their room), and tumbled onto Quatre. Heero wasn't too happy, considering that he was under Quatre and Trowa (nearly suffocating) and that the scissors had now dropped onto his face. No blood, no cuts, but.. 

  
**"Mmmpppppphggggggg!"**

  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
A couple of minutes later in the kitchen, a man and a woman were trying to have a decent conversation over a bowl of popcorn. That wasn't really working, since shrieks and whatnot were coming from the other room. Well, it was an interesting conversation -- that is, until Wu Fei remembered something that kept bothering him.

  
"Woman,"   
  
**"You suck, Quatre!"**

  
**"I know I do! I swallow, too!"**

  
**"Aaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuugggggggggggghhhhhh!!"**   
  
Pause.   
  
"I demand to know what the good news was!" Wu Fei said in-between stuffing his face with extra-salty popcorn and the screams from the other room.

  
"Oh!" Relena said while digging around in her pocket. "The good news was.."

  
"...."   
  
"...."   
  
"....?"   
  
"...That I found a nickel! It's a girl."

"It's name is Mark! I would have named it Heero, except I named my penny collection after him.. and the First National Bank, and I bought McDonalds and named it McHeero's, too.."

Well, Wu Fei just stared at her.

And he stared.

And he stared.

And if Wu Fei was capable of staring any longer, he would have stared longer. Unfortunately Wu Fei was not such a man, and he simply smacked the hand that was holding the quarter named "Mark," causing "Mark" to roll on the floor and under the refrigerator, where it would remain there for a very long time.   
  
**"Maaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!!"**   
  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(to be continued - I think!)

1] Reference to Nuku Nuku.  
[2] If anyone has to watch Barney with their little cousins, this is for you.

Did this suck? I think it did, too. Feel free to e-mail me and tell me it sucked. ([Bura@aerth.nu][1]) loves e-mails.

   [1]: mailto:Bura@aerth.nu



End file.
